Four Signs She’s Not Interested in You

Dating is both an art and an inexact science. The rules aren’t totally clear, they’re always changing and they’re complicated by our technology-obsessed world. It’s relatively easy to read the expression on someone’s face – more difficult to decipher their mood from an emoticon in a text message. However, there are certain clues that will tell you a woman just isn’t into you. There are certain things she will do and say – or not do and say – to make it quite obvious that she would like you to leave her alone as quickly as possible. Please heed these signs and avoid becoming that annoying guy that just won’t go away:

1. She Never Contacts You First – This must be interpreted in the context of the other things she does. Because some girls – myself included – are old-fashioned and prefer that the guy initiate most of the contact and make most of the moves. Emphasis on “most.”

So if you’ve exchanged numbers, maybe gone on a date or two (or 10) and the girl never, ever contacts you first, she’s either old school and wants you to chase her, or she’s simply not interested. You’ll know which category she falls into based on her reaction when you do contact her. Does she get back to you within a reasonable length of time and seem happy to hear from you? Does she have things to say and try to keep the conversation going? Or does she respond with a one-word answer, if she responds at all?

2. She Takes Forever to Respond – By “forever” I don’t mean 10 minutes, or even an hour. When a guy I like contacts me, I may not respond right away, because I don’t want to seem too overeager — or worse — desperate. Being busy and slightly unavailable has some benefits in the dating arena, so depending on the situation, I may play this up and take a little extra time to respond (maybe a couple of hours at most). It doesn’t mean I’m not interested in the guy; it just means I don’t want to scare the guy away by seeming too interested. (Yes, the dating scene involves playing a lot of little games that I’d rather not be playing, but until you find THE ONE it all seems to be par for the course).

So if you text a girl and she takes all day to respond, or doesn’t respond until the next day, that’s a sign that she’s not interested. I say probably because again, it has to be interpreted in the context of other clues. If you have a great time when you go out on dates together, but then she takes forever to respond to your texts or doesn’t call you back until three days later, you might need to do some digging. Is she in school and working two jobs? Is she really bad about getting back to people? Is she a socialite with an overstuffed schedule? Is she juggling multiple guys? Or is she simply not interested in you?

3. She Never Responds To You – Now this is the obvious sign with few exceptions. If you contact a girl and she doesn’t respond, that is a pretty clear-cut signal that she is not interested. The amazing thing is how many guys simply ignore this sign or fail to interpret it for what it is – the dating world’s equivalent of neon lights flashing “Go Away.”

Yes, emails and texts do get lost in “the system,” and maybe she got your voicemail but just forgot to call back. But we’re not talking about random, rare instances. We’re talking about systematic non-responding to your communication, no matter how you send it.

Unfortunately, I’m acquainted with a number of males who don’t seem to know how to interpret this sign. To them, the dead silence at the end of their repeated text messages of “hi” “hello” and “hey pretty” means that they should send me more messages. When they call me once and I don’t pick up or call them back, they call me again. When I don’t answer or return that call, they take it as an opportunity to text me. I’m still not responding. And they’re still not getting it.

There’s this one guy that I met at the beach. We’ve never been on a date, and we will never be on a date. Yet he leaves me voicemail messages marked urgent. He sends me emails containing no less than 15 questions. I think I returned one call and one e-mail to be polite. Then I stopped. But he’s not getting it. He’s still messaging me on multiple fronts — Facebook, email, text, you name it — and I’ve simply stopped responding. Because I’m not interested.

Now there is one caveat here: There are other reasons a girl might not respond to you that you need to take into account. Maybe she’s angry with you after a fight you had. Or maybe she likes you — a lot — but feels that you probably don’t reciprocate her feelings, so she’s pulling back to prevent getting hurt or rejected (can you tell I’m speaking from experience?) .

Consider the circumstances: Have you guys been dating for six months with fairly good results? Or have you gone on one lackluster date? Does she normally ignore your texts and phone calls? Then it’s almost guaranteed that she’s not interested.

Again, you have to use your judgment and consider the events that led up to her not responding. The question you need to answer is: was she EVER interested? If so, and the interest seems to have dropped off, find out why. But if she was never interested and you’re just trying to force it, heed the signs and move on. You’re not going to wear her down and she’s not going to impressed by your dogged persistence. She’s going to be annoyed by your stupid text messages and contemplate whether to spend the extra $5 a month on her cell phone service just to be able to block you.

4. She Tells You Never to Contact Her Again – Alas, this one should be pretty obvious, but you’d be surprised how many guys find ways to misinterpret this.

A few months back, I told a guy I’d been dating on and off for about a year-and-a-half not to contact me again, in no uncertain terms. I told him he was a liar who was only interested in sex. He didn’t respond back, and I thought I’d finally gotten rid of him.

But what do you know? Three months later he’s calling me again. And now that I haven’t returned two of his calls, he’s texting me. He clearly doesn’t get it. It might be because his strategy has worked in the past: I’d tell him to leave me alone, and he would for awhile, but then he’d come back around and wear me down until I agreed to see him again.

Not happening this time. He just doesn’t realize it yet.

But seriously, if a girl asks you not to contact her again, you know one of two things — she’s really, really upset with you and she’s saying something overly dramatic in the heat of the moment. The other option is that she despises you and legitimately never wants to hear from you again.

The dating world is one in which you have to become a master of noticing and interpreting signs and cues. It’s important to be able to differentiate whether a girl’s playing hard to get or just genuinely wants nothing to do with you. This isn’t hard to do if you weigh the things she does to show you she’s interested against the things she does that imply she’s not. Sometimes girls are hard to read, but when we’ve genuinely lost interest — or were never interested in the first place — you’ll know it.

So stop being a pest and start reading the signs in front of your face. Don’t be THAT GUY — the one who can’t take a hint, the one who makes women contemplate restraining orders. There are plenty of girls who will be interested in you — most likely anyway. Spend your time on them.


3 Comments on “Four Signs She’s Not Interested in You

  1. Pingback: Seven signs you might be a stalker | Lauren Carter

  2. I disagree entirely with the approach in this article. “Hinting” is just appallingly bad communication skill. You are deliberately sending out a vague, ambiguous, message and torturing the guy in the process. The only real benefit of hinting is making it easier for oneself. Just tell the guy the truth and free him up to do his search elsewhere.

    • There is no “approach” in this article. It offers four signs you can look for, two of which are extremely blatant and clear cut — no hints involved — to know whether a woman is interested. Of course you always have the option to be completely up front and just ask how they feel…your choice.

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