Relationship Advice for Women: How to Become a Player

playerIf you’re tired of getting played by guys, it may be time to turn the tables and become a player. Truthfully, it’s not all that hard to become. I know because I’ve done it. My transition was a slow one. Over a period of about 10 years, I went from being clingy and getting dumped frequently to being the one clung to and doing the dumping. This is what has worked for me:

1. Have something guys need and want

The bottom line is, if guys aren’t attracted to some aspect of you, you’re going to have a hard time playing them. So the first step in the playing process is attraction. You don’t have to be good-looking and in shape, though it does help. A great personality and a lot of confidence will attract its fair share of men as well. Personally, I found that spending a little time on hair, makeup and clothing as well as keeping myself in shape lays the groundwork for a successful game. 

2. Expect that guys will need and want you

This is a subtle but important step that is related to step 1. You could call it confidence, but it’s more than that. You need to believe that you do in fact, have something that guys need and want (because you do) and walk around like you know it. I like to throw a little nonchalance in as well, so that when a guy shows me attention it’s more of a mildly disinterested “yeah, and…” response than a desperate “wow, you’re showing me attention!”

3. Have your own life

Nothing makes guys interested like having a schedule that doesn’t revolve around them. It’s amazing that when you have time for a guy he’s nowhere to be found, but when you become busy and successful he’s magically everywhere. So have your own career, your own goals, your own hobbies and friends that don’t involve a man in your life. And relatedly…

4. Don’t Need A Guy In Your Life

Unless you’re happy without a guy in your life, you won’t be happy with a guy in your life. This is related to step 3. If you feel like you can’t be on your own and always have to have a boyfriend, you’ll cling to whatever comes your way, which is a turn-off for guys, and unproductive for you, as you’ll be wasting your time clinging to guys you’re not even compatible with. When you are content either way, suddenly you become more attractive to guys.

5. Don’t Always Answer the Phone When They Call

This is related to points 3 and 4. You not answering to his every beck and call puts you in the driver’s seat. It also shows that you’re busy, and that you don’t really care about him all that much.

6. Initiate Contact, But Do It Intermittently

Don’t leave the ball in his court or put it all on him to make all the moves. Occasionally call, text or e-mail to communicate, and then don’t. If he stops getting in touch, realize it’s his loss, and move on accordingly.

7. Don’t Lie

There’s no need to and it makes you look fishy. Be honest and up front about your life, relationship status, interests, goals, etc. It’s empowering.

8. Act Disinterested

It’s even better if you are. Nothing seems to make a guy want you more than not caring about whether he wants you or not.

9. Maximize free drinks and meals

Guys are an excellent source of free drinks and meals. Maximize this benefit to its fullest potential. Drinks all night at the club? Absolutely! Breakfast at 3 am? Count me in! You want to take me out to dinner this weekend? Be my guest! Sorry, but if you’re paying, I’m probably not going to turn you down.

10. Don’t double-book dates on the same night

As a player, you may have a number of guys that you’re playing. Double-booking dates can cause unnecessary stress. Make your dates on separate nights.

11. Don’t be promiscuous

It’s one thing to date a lot of guys; it’s another thing to sleep with them all at the same time. It’s unhealthy and not very good for the self-respect. If you’re going to take it there with that one specific guy, then he should be someone you’re interested in being in an exclusive relationship with anyway, so cut off the rest of your playees on the immediate.

12. Know what you want, and when a guy doesn’t fit the bill, say goodbye

I saved the most important rule for last. This was my problem for all those clingy years. I didn’t know what I wanted, because I didn’t really know who I was, so I didn’t know when a guy was a good match, so I took whatever came along. This is a no-no. Know who you are and what you want. When a guy doesn’t fit that picture, don’t prolong it, don’t compromise with your own desires, and don’t think “ohhhh, but maybe he’ll change.” Just cut your losses and move on.

When it comes to this list, I’m kind of kidding and I’m kind of not. I’ve been burned enough times to know to keep my distance and not get too wrapped up in every guy I meet. I’ve also learned to value myself enough to realize what I’m worth and what kind of guy I deserve. I’m pretty sure I’ll find that guy someday. Until them, I’ll continue to play the game.


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